Quote of the Day (2012-06-30)

That's very reassuring from a marketing major at a party school.

Source: Modern Family

Quote of the Day (2012-06-29)

Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."

[Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed]

Charles Bronson: I wish I was dead. Oy!

Jay Sherman: But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

Rainer Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."

[Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?

[pause]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: That's the joke.

Man in audience: You suck, McBain!

[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

Man in audience: Hey, that really sucked!

[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]

Man in audience: [Cut back to Rainer and Jay]

Rainer Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

Jay Sherman: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?

Rainer Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

Jay Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh!

Source: The Simpsons

Quote of the Day (2012-06-28)

Tyler Durden: [pointing at an emergency instruction manual on a plane] You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?

Narrator: So you can breath.

Tyler Durden: Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.

Narrator: That's, um... That's an interesting theory.

Source: Fight Club

Quote of the Day (2012-06-27)

ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!

MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!

GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.

Source: Holy Grail

Quote of the Day (2012-06-26)

Niles: I'll have a decaf latte, and please be sure to use skim milk.

Frasier: I'll have the same.

Eric: Got it.

[to barista]

Eric: Two Gutless Wonders!

Source: Frasier

Quote of the Day (2012-06-25)

Archie: Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?

Source: All in the Family

Quote of the Day (2012-06-24)

Harry Burns: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.

Source: When Harry Met Sally

Quote of the Day (2012-06-23)

Toula Portokalos: When I was growing up, I knew I was different. The other girls were blonde and delicate, and I was a swarthy six-year-old with sideburns.

Source: My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Quote of the Day (2012-06-22)

Westley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.

Source: The Princess Bride

Quote of the Day (2012-06-21)

Bernard Woolley: "They cannot stop us eating the British sausage, can they?"

Jim Hacker: "They can stop us calling it a sausage though. Apparently it has got to be called the Emulsified High-Fat Offal Tube."

Bernard Woolley: "And you swallowed it?"

Source: Yes, Minister

Quote of the Day (2012-06-20)

You are now firing a gun at your imaginary friend, near 400 pounds of nitroglycerin!

Source: Fight Club

Quote of the Day (2012-06-19)

Sir Humphrey: "Minister, Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last 500 years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans, and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now when it's worked so well?"

Jim Hacker: "That's all ancient history, surely."

Sir Humphrey: "Yes, and current policy. We had to break the whole thing [the EEC] up, so we had to get inside. We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn't work. Now that we're inside we can make a complete pig's breakfast of the whole thing: set the Germans against the French, the French against the Italians, the Italians against the Dutch. The Foreign Office is terribly pleased, it's just like old times."

Source: Yes, Minister

Quote of the Day (2012-06-18)

Jim Hacker: "Humphrey, who is it who has the last word about the government of Britain? The British Cabinet or the American President?"

Sir Humphrey: "You know that is a fascinating question. We often discuss it."

Jim Hacker: "And what conclusion have you arrived at?"

Sir Humphrey: "Well, I must admit to be a bit of a heretic. I think it is the British Cabinet. But I know I am in the minority.

Source: Yes, Prime Minister

Quote of the Day (2012-06-17)

Jim Hacker: "Well, of course we do what we can. There are many calls on the public purse: inner cities, schools, hospitals, kidney machines..."

Actress one: "...tanks..."

Actress two: "...rockets..."

Actress three: "...H-bombs..."

Jim Hacker: "Well, we can't really defend ourselves against the Russians with a performance of Henry V."

Source: Yes, Prime Minister

Quote of the Day (2012-06-16)

Bernard Woolley (on the phone): "Yes, we will want simultaneous translators. ... No, not when the PM meets the leaders of the English speaking nations. ... Yes, the English speaking nations can be said to include the United States. With a certain generosity of spirit."

Source: Yes, Prime Minister

Quote of the Day (2012-06-15)

Basil Fawlty: [about Sybil's laugh] Sounds like somebody machine-gunning a seal.

Source: Fawlty Towers

Quote of the Day (2012-06-14)

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,

I sleep all night and I work all day.



CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,

He sleeps all night and he works all day.



I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,

I go to the lava-try.

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea.



Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,

He goes to the lava-try.

On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'

And has buttered scones for tea.



CHORUS



I cut down trees, I skip and jump,

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing,

And hang around in bars.



Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around.... In bars???????



CHORUS



I chop down trees, I wear high heels,

Suspendies and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa.



Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels

Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????

(spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a *girlie*? Oh, My!

And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!



CHORUS



All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy..... (BONG)

Source: Monty Python's Flying Circus

Quote of the Day (2012-06-13)

Olive Penderghast: If he's so smart, why is your boyfriend 22 years old and still in high school?

Marianne: Because, Olive, it's His choice!

Olive Penderghast: Oh, really? His choice? He just *wants* to be repeating his senior year for, like, the fourth time 'cause he can't pass a single test?

Marianne: No, silly,

[points up]

Marianne: His. His, with a capital H. If the Good Lord had wanted Micah to graduate, he would have given him the right answers.

Olive Penderghast: [laughs] I'm sorry, but, I mean, really? You gotta be shittin' me, woman.

Source: Easy A

Quote of the Day (2012-06-12)

[TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men]

Homer: Well, I am bald and important!

Source: The Simpsons

Quote of the Day (2012-06-11)

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.

Source: Seinfeld

Quote of the Day (2012-06-10)

Jerry: "You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot."

George: "The coup de toe!"

Source: Seinfeld

Quote of the Day (2012-06-09)

Dill: After we watch "The Bucket List," remember to cross "watch 'The Bucket List'" off our bucket list.

Source: Easy A

Quote of the Day (2012-06-08)

Charles: How do you do, my name is Charles.

Old man: Don't be ridiculous, Charles died 20 years ago!

Charles: Must be a different Charles, I think.

Old man: Are you telling me I don't know my own brother!

Charles: No, no.

Source: Four Weddings And A Funeral

Quote of the Day (2012-06-06)

Sir Humphrey: "Minister, I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear."

Jim Hacker: "Why should today be any different?"

Sir Humphrey: "Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position."

Jim Hacker: "I wonder what made you think I didn't want to hear that?"

Source: Yes, Minister

Quote of the Day (2012-06-05)

Ted: I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Source: There's Something About Mary

Quote of the Day (2012-06-04)

Homer: [Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them] Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

Source: The Simpsons

Quote of the Day (2012-06-03)

Once had love, and it was divine.

Soon turned out, I was losing my mind.

Source: Blondie

Quote of the Day (2012-06-02)

Becky: Verbal ability is a highly overrated thing in a guy, and it's our pathetic need for it that gets us into so much trouble.

Source: Sleepless in Seattle

Quote of the Day (2012-06-01)

Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, as Cabinet Secretary I am, of course, most eager to reduce public spending, but as Head of the Civil Service, I am responsible for the very real dangers which will arise administratively if a pay rise does not come through very soon. It's so difficult for me, you see, as I am wearing two hats."

Jim Hacker: "Yes, isn't that rather awkward for you?"

Sir Humphrey: "Not if one is in two minds."

Bernard Woolley: "Or has two faces."

Jim Hacker: "Perhaps I should relieve you of one of them?"

Sir Humphrey: "Oh no, no, no. I am perfectly happy with both of them."

Jim Hacker: "Faces?"

Sir Humphrey: "Hats!"

Source: Yes, Prime Minister